Brave Sir Boris and the Brexit Windmills: A Knight's Quest for Relevance
In a display of political theatrics that would make even the most melodramatic medieval minstrel blush, Boris Johnson, the self-styled knight errant of Brexit, has once again donned his rusty armor to defend the fair maiden of British sovereignty. But this time, it's not just the dastardly Sir Keir Starmer and his EU-loving squires he's tilting at – it's the spectre of his own irrelevance in the face of Nigel Farage's ascendancy as Trump's favorite British son, and perhaps, just perhaps, a chance to reclaim his throne.
The Quixotic Crusade
Our erstwhile Prime Minister, never one to miss an opportunity for grandstanding, has taken to the pages of the Daily Mail to accuse Sir Keir of taking Brexit voters for fools (Johnson, 2024). It seems the windmills Johnson tilts at these days are made of EU red tape, Labour's supposed betrayal of the Brexit dream, and the bitter realization that he's no longer the golden boy of populism.
With all the subtlety of a jousting lance to the face, Johnson proclaims that Labour has ‘taken power by deception’ (Johnson, 2024). One might wonder if Johnson's own history with truth-telling makes him an expert on political deception or merely its most experienced practitioner. Perhaps he's just miffed that Farage seems to have out-Trumped him in the art of the political deal.
Boris Johnson, ever the political showman, has once again taken centre stage in the Brexit drama. In a recent article for the Daily Mail, he called on ‘everyone who cares about democracy’ to ‘fight, fight and fight again for the freedoms the people voted for in 2016’ (Johnson, 2024). This rallying cry, reminiscent of his past Brexit rhetoric, comes as he accuses the current Labour government of betraying Brexit freedoms.
The Brexit Paladin's Lament (and Secret Hope)
Johnson, apparently fancying himself the last true defender of Brexit's virtue, bemoans the creation of a new Whitehall unit to deepen ties with the EU. He dubs this team the ‘Whitehall surrender squad,’ conjuring images of bureaucrats waving white flags adorned with EU stars (Johnson, 2024). One can almost hear the mournful twang of lutes as Johnson laments this perceived betrayal of his Brexit legacy – a tune eerily similar to the one playing as Farage cozies up to Trump at CPAC events (Farage, 2024).
Yet, beneath this lament, a keen observer might detect a note of hope. As cracks begin to form in the Badenoch leadership, Johnson perhaps senses a chance of return. Despite claiming his comeback chances are ‘about as good as being blinded by a champagne cork,’ his refusal to categorically rule out a return keeps the possibility tantalizingly alive (Fuller, 2023).
A Call to Arms (or at least to Keyboards)
Our Brexit champion calls upon ‘everyone who cares about democracy’ to join his crusade against the encroaching EU menace and, one suspects, against the cruel fate of being overshadowed by Farage in the Trump-sphere (Johnson, 2024). One can imagine Johnson, astride his trusty bicycle, leading a charge of mobility scooters against the Channel Tunnel, armed with nothing but Union Jack flags, copies of The Sun, and a dog-eared invitation to Mar-a-Lago from 2019.
As Johnson rallies his troops with cries of ‘fight, fight and fight again,’ one can't help but wonder if this is less about defending Brexit and more about defending Boris Johnson's relevance in a political landscape that has moved on without him – a landscape where Farage now reigns as Trump's ‘very spectacular man’ (Farage, 2024), but where Johnson still dreams of wearing the crown.
The Eternal Guardian's Battle Plan (and Comeback Strategy)
Armed with nothing but a rusty bicycle, an Oxford thesaurus, and a burning desire to reclaim both Trump's attention and 10 Downing Street, Johnson bravely charges into battle against the terrifying spectres of EU regulations, Farage's rising star, and his own political obsolescence.
His war room, we're told, is a sight to behold - walls plastered with maps of Europe and America, each country marked with a crude drawing of a bendy banana or a misshapen cucumber. In one corner, a dartboard features a rotating cast of EU bureaucrats and Labour politicians. A life-size cardboard cutout of Winston Churchill stands guard, its speech bubble regularly updated with Johnson's latest Brexit-themed battle cries. A well-worn copy of The Art of the Deal sits on his desk, bookmarked with a tattered ‘Boris for Leader’ campaign flyer. This eclectic decor serves as a visual representation of Johnson's triple quest: to vanquish EU tyranny, reclaim Trump's fleeting approval, and navigate a path back to the leadership of an increasingly sceptical Conservative Party.
The Last Stand (or First Step) of Brave Sir Boris
As the sun sets on yet another day of Johnson's quixotic crusade, one can imagine Brave Sir Boris preparing for his next great battle against the windmills of his mind and the harsh reality of political exile. Yet, with the Conservative Party trailing in polls and some members expressing openness to his return, Johnson's political obituary may have been written prematurely (Jenrick, 2023).
In a twist worthy of a Shakespearean comedy, we may indeed be mere weeks away from witnessing the spectacle of Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage engaging in a metaphorical joust for Donald Trump's affections. This farcical scenario, while not literally happening, aptly captures the current state of British right-wing politics and its complex relationship with Trump.
The political landscape resembles a medieval tournament ground, with Johnson and Farage as rival knights vying for the favour of King Trump. Farage, having spent election night at Trump's Mar-a-Lago court, seems to have the inside track (Farage, 2024). Yet Johnson, never one to concede defeat easily, might still fancy his chances of unseating his rival.
In the grand theatre of British politics, Brave Sir Boris is determined to remain the star of his own tragicomedy, even if the audience has long since left the building, preferring instead to watch Farage's one-man show ‘How I Became the Trump Whisperer.’ As Johnson tilts at EU windmills and cries havoc in the pages of right-wing tabloids, one thing becomes clear: the Brexit saga may be over, but its most colourful jester refuses to leave the stage, even as Farage steals the spotlight across the pond (Menon, 2022).
And so, dear readers, we leave our Brexit knight to his noble quest, forever fighting the good fight against the imaginary dragons of Brussels, the very real threat of Farage's Trump bromance, and the tantalizing possibility of a political resurrection.
God save the King, God help us all, and someone please remind both Trump and the Conservative Party that Brave Sir Boris is still available – for golf, for leadership, for whatever comes next in this endless political pantomime.
References:
Farage, N., 2024. US election: Farage goes 'full Trump' meeting him backstage at rally before America votes. Evening Standard, [online] Available at: https://www.standard.co.uk/news/us-politics/us-election-donald-trump-nigel-farage-kamala-harris-vote-reform-labour-intefere-b1192018.html [Accessed 17 December 2024].
Fuller, R., 2023. Ousting Boris Johnson was 'a mistake', says interim Tory chairman. The Guardian, [online] Available at: https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2023/sep/10/ousting-boris-johnson-was-a-mistake-says-interim-tory-chairman[Accessed 17 December 2024].
Jenrick, R., 2023. Robert Jenrick says Tories need 'best players on pitch' amid Boris Johnson return speculation. Sky News, [online] Available at: https://news.sky.com/story/robert-jenrick-says-tories-need-best-players-on-pitch-amid-boris-johnson-return-speculation-12823456 [Accessed 17 December 2024].
Johnson, B., 2024. Boris Johnson Issues Rallying Cry to Defend Brexit Freedoms from Starmer's EU Plans. Conservative Post, [online] Available at: https://conservativepost.co.uk/boris-johnson-issues-rallying-cry-to-defend-brexit-freedoms-from-starmers-eu-plans/ [Accessed 17 December 2024].
Menon, A., 2022. Boris Johnson's Legacy on British Politics. TIME, [online] Available at: https://time.com/6210260/boris-johnson-legacy-british-politics/ [Accessed 17 December 2024].